You shouldn't love me
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: Bones. What happens when we look insides Zach's head and his past. Does is explain the way he acts? Or is it impossible to help him? Zach/Jack Slash.
1. Chapter 1

Here is my new story. I'm hoping it doesn't suck. I don't own anything, and yes this is a twisted, sick story, like my other stories. Again I don't own anything. So, read if you want. Oh ya, there is slash in here.

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Staring down at the bones I tried my hardest to resist the urge to hit them. Looking up I realized that Dr. Brennan was talking to me. Sighing I opened my mouth to explain to her why the bones weren't ready for her yet.

"No," she said seeing me open my mouth, "I don't want to hear it Zach."

"Listen to me you self-involved bitch," I said sneering, "While you were out playing hooky with Mr. Perfect over there I cleaned three bodies, figured out what killed them, and collected evidence. I really am not in the mood to hear the speech that you have ready because I do a hell of a lot more work then I'm given credit for. Sire, I fucking wish you would have died in that car!"

Before she could say anything I pulled my gloves and lab coat off and left. Walking past Booth and Cam I shoved my key card to her and walked out of the building. Waving a taxi I gave him the address to my apartment.

When we get there I handed him twenty dollars and walked into the apartment. Going to the bathroom I ripped open the medicine cabinet and started to throw different pill bottles everywhere. Smiling I pulled out a bottle of pain meds.

"Zach," Hodgins said banging on the door.

"What do you want?" I yelled angrily.

"I'm just worried about you," he said opening the door.

"Damn it," I said punching the mirror.

"Zach," he said rushing to me, "What the hell?"

"I can't do this," I said with a sigh, "I can't stand watching everyone think I'm fine."

"I know," he said forcing me to sit on the toilet, "I know it's hard to have everyone think you're okay, but you're strong."

"I'm not strong enough," I said looking at my bleeding hand.

"You'll learn," he said wrapping a towel around my hand, "I'm here if you need help and that new profiler can help."

"You want me to go see a shrink?" I asked glaring at him.

"Zach," he said sadly, "I just don't want to walk in here and find you bleeding to death again."

"You think this is hard for you?" I said standing up, "It hasn't been a fucking picnic for me either."

"Then why not go to him?" he asked in a begging tone, "Why not go to someone that might be able to help?"

"Because I don't want anyone to know I'm suicidal!" I yelled before falling to my knees sobbing.

"Damn it," he said kneeling nest to me, "No one will find out. Just please go talk to him."

"I love you," I said cuddling into him, "But I refuse to have people know I want to die."

"Then what are you going to do?" he said shaking his head, "You told me you can't stand doing this and I don't want you to die."

"Okay," I said giving up, "I'll go talk to Sweets."

"Thank you," he said lifting my head up, "Thank you so much."

"I'm only doing this for you," I said looking into his eyes, "I'm only doing this because I love you."

"I love you too," he said kissing my lips.

Smiling softly I kissed him back. When he pulled away he also pulled the towel away. Sighing he pulled out some gauze and wrapped my hand up. He placed a small kiss on top of the cut before kissing me again. Pulling away I looked down again.

"I gave my pass to Cam and cussed out Dr. Brennan saying I wished she died in the car," I said in a whisper.

"Oh god," he said hugging me.

"I should have been in the car," I said crying, "I should have died."

"No," he said hugging me tighter, "If you did who would I be with? I would have lost the love of my life."

"You would be better off," I said sighing, "You wouldn't have me here…"

"Exactly," he said standing up, "You wouldn't be here. I need you Zach. I love you."

"Why do you need me so badly?" I asked confused, "I bring you nothing but pain and worry, and you still care about me."

"I can't stop caring," he said shrugging, "When I first saw you I knew that I loved you. Even if we didn't become friends I wouldn't have stopped loving you."

"How can you love someone as fucked up as I am?" I asked shaking my head.

"Because that's not what I see," he said pulling me up, "I see a smart man who is having trouble working out his feelings. You just need a little help."

"Then help me," I said kissing him.

"Not like that," he said pulling away, "I know that you're used to people hurting you physically and sexually, but I'm not going to do that. I love you too much."

"Is that why we've never had sex?" I asked gasping.

"I didn't think you were ready," he said shrugging, "I love you and I know that if we had sex that things would change too much."

"Do you really love me?" I asked pushing him away, "Or am I just a fucking sob story?"

"I love you Zach," he said instantly, "I know your life is fucked up, but I love you with all of my being."

"I know," I said tears falling from my eyes again, "I just don't get why someone as sweet as you would like me."

"Don't put yourself down so much," he said shaking his head, "Let's go to Sweets office."

"Okay," I said as we walked off.

"Get changed," he said following me, "You're covered in blood."

Laughing I walked into my room and pulled my off. I heard a gasp from behind me and I knew that he walked in with me. Turning around I saw that he had tears in his eyes as he stared at my stomach.

"Zach," he said his voice sad, "You stopped eating again."

"Umm…" I said looking down.

"Just get dressed," he said sighing, "I'm sure Sweets will know what to do to help you."

Feeling guilt fill me I grabbed a tight black shirt and put it on. Pulling out tight black skinny jeans I put them on too and slipped on some shoes before finding my hoodie and pulling it on. Hodgins was waiting for me by the door the keys to his Lexus in his hand.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm sorry," I said in a whisper, "I tried, but after a week I couldn't do it anymore."

"I know," he said wrapping his arm around my waist, "I know you are."

Walking to his car we both got in and he drove us to Sweets office. Making sure that no one that we worked with was there we went in. Knocking on Sweets door he opened in, and gave me a confused look. Motioning for us to sit we waited for him to talk.

"What are you two doing here?" he asked sitting behind his desk.

"Zach needs to talk to you," Hodgins said calmly before standing up, "And I think it would be best if it was just the two of you."

"Goodbye," Sweets said as Hodgins closed the door, "What is it you need to talk to me about?"

"I need help," I said looking out the window, "And you're the only shrink I know."

"What do you need help with?" he asked standing up and sitting on his desk.

"I…" I said before taking a deep breath, "I want to kill myself."

"Okay," he said nodding, "I'm glad that you can admit that, but how long have you felt this way?"

"Since I was ten," I said hating that I would have to tell my past.

"And why do you want to kill yourself?" he asked trying to keep his voice calm.

"My parents beat me for a while and when we were running low on money they would sell me," I said looking away.

"So your parents sold you to do what?" Sweets asked carefully.

"To people who wanted sex," I said as tears filled my eyes.

"Zach," he said kneeling in front of me, "I'm going to need you to tell me all about your past and family."

"I don't know where to start," I said shaking my head.

"I'll ask you a question and you're going to answer them," he said standing up, "Do you have any siblings?"

"I have six brothers and sisters," I said sighing.

"Did your parents ever do anything to them?" he asked making sure to keep his voice calm.

"No," I said instantly, "My parents are good people, but I made sure that I was the only one and that no one ever knew about it."

"You say your parents are good people," he said crossing his arms, "They've hurt you for years and you still think of them as good people. Why is that?"

"They're my parents," I said sighing, "They've taken good care of my siblings and their children. I know what they did was wrong, but they only did it to me, so why is it I should hate them?"

"So, you're looking at this from a point of their actions to the rest of your family?" he asked sitting on his desk, "That's very selfless."

"I guess," I said shrugging.

"Alright," he said clapping, "Let's talk about you wanting to kill yourself."

"Okay," I said nodding.

"Have you ever tried to kill yourself?" he asked with a hopeful look.

"Yes," I said looking down.

"How many times?" he said sadly.

"Ten times over the past ten years," I said tears filling my eyes.

"When was the last time?" he asked looking at me trying to keep calm.

"Three weeks ago," I said tears falling from my eyes.

"How many different ways have you tried?" he said in a soothing voice.

"Seven different ways," I said sighing.

"Tell me the different ways," he said instantly.

"I've tried to shoot myself, hang myself, take too many pills, cut myself too deep, drown myself in the lade, staving myself from food and water, and jumping off a building," I said listing them off.

"What was the newest one?" he asked sighing.

Instead of telling him I stood u and lifted my shirt up. Hearing him gasp when he saw my stomach I allowed my head to fall down. He shook his head and looked back at my chest.

"I'm guessing that it was starving yourself," he said sighing.

"Yes," I said not being able to raise my voice over a whisper.

"When was the last time you ate something?" he asked going around his desk and pulling out a notebook.

"A week ago," I said shooting him a confused look, "Why do you ask?"

"Zach," he said writing down something on the notebook, "I'm going to have you keep a journal. I especially want to know about work."

"I quit," I said glaring at him, "I also told Brennan that I wished she died in that car."

"Okay," he said cautiously, "Zach, I'm going to…"

"Sweets," Brennan said walking in, "Something is wrong with…Zach?"

"Hi Dr. Brennan," I said rolling my eyes.

"You quit," she said sadly, "Why would you do that?"

"I got pissed," I said shaking my head, "I didn't mean to quit. I just got mad and let my emotions play instead of logic."

"Its fine," she said smiling, "And I talked to Cam and she said that you still have a job, but that's after you get evaluated by Sweets."

"At the moment I don't think he should be left alone," Sweets said calmly, "So work would do him some good, but I want him to come to my office for two hours a day."

"Why do you want him there for two hours?" she asked her eyes wide.

"I can't tell you that," he said shaking his head, "I can only speak about it with Zach's permition."

"So, you're his shrink now?" she asked slowly.

"Yes," he said nodding, "Now, if you don't mind I have to talk to Zach."

"Okay," she said leaving.

When she was gone I let out the breath I was holding and smiled. I hated that she knew I was here, but I was glad that she had no clue why I was there Sweets walked over to me and handed me a black notebook before nodding his head.


	3. Chapter 3

"I do believe that you need human contact which I why I said that," he said calmly, "But you will have to come two hours every day and at the end of each week you will read your journal out loud."

"What was that?" I asked hoping he didn't say that.

"Zach," he said sighing, "I need to know what you're writing so I can help you.

"Only you and me will know what I wrote, right?" I said biting my lip.

"Unless you want someone to read it," he said nodding.

"Alright," I said taking a deep breath.

"Okay," he said sitting back on his desk, "Tell me about the people you work with. Let's start with Dr. Brennan."

"She's alright," I said instantly, "Sometimes she gets too involved with herself and can't see what's right in front of her, but other than that she's cool."

"How do you feel about Special Agent Booth? He said motioning for me to continue.

"He's really good father, but he doesn't know how to handle some people," I said shrugging.

"And what about Angela?" he said calmly.

"She's so sweet," I said grinning, "She's my best friend and doesn't expect me to do something I can't."

"What do you feel about Cam?" he said smiling at me reaction.

"She's really hard to get along with sometimes," I said shaking my head, "She's so stuck on the whole 'I'm the boss' shit that it's like she's too powerful."

"And finally what do you think about Hodgins?" he said nodding.

"I love him" I said without thinking, "He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He loves me too, but that I don't understand."

"So," he said cautiously, "You and Hodgins are lovers?"

"Yes," I said blushing.

"How long have you two been dating?" he asked smiling.

"For about two years," I said biting my lip.

"That's good," he said nodding, "Does he know about all of this?"

"Just that I want to die and my parents beat me," I said sighing.

"How did he find out?" He asked confused.

"He found me forcing myself to throw up," I said shaking my head.

"That's all we have time for today," he said standing up, "I'll see you tomorrow and remember to write in your journal."

"You got it," I said nodding, "Good-bye and thanks."

Walking out of Sweets office I smiled calmly when I saw that Hodgins was sitting in the waiting room. Running over to him I hugged him tightly. He ran a hand through my hair and kissed my forehead. Smiling I quickly kissed his lips and pulled back.

"I saw Brennan," he said worriedly, "Does she know?"

"No," I said shaking my head, "Just that I have a job and that Sweets is my shrink."

"She didn't ask any questions?" he asked wide eyed.

"Sweets told her that he couldn't answer any of her questions," I said happily.

"See," he said grinning, "You feel better don't you?"

"I guess so," I said nodding, "He knows about us."

"He didn't freak out, did he?" he asked wrapping an arm around my waist as we started to walk to his car.

"No," I said shaking my head, "Though he was surprised."

"Well," he said smirking, "I don't give off the gay vibe."

"I don't think that was it," I said rolling my eyes.

"And what else could it be?" he asked stopping his walk.

"That I actually have a boyfriend," I said shrugging.

"Why wouldn't you?" he asked confused.

"Because I'm a freak who doesn't deserve love?" I asked calmly.

"Well, even if you didn't you'd still have me," he said opening the car door.

"Thanks," I said hoping he knew I wasn't talking about the door.

"You're welcome," he said nodding, "What did he tell you to do?"

"He told me that he believed that I needed to have people around me and that I should write down my thoughts everyday in this," I said pulling out the small black notebook.

"Oh," he said calmly, "So, that's all?"

"I also have to see him for two hours everyday and I have to read it out loud at the end of each week," I said sighing.

"Okay," he said nodding.

"What are we going to do now?" I asked yawning.

"We can rent a few movies and watch them," he said smiling.

"I like that idea," I said leaning my head against him.

"Than let's go," he said gently pulling the car out of the drive way and going to the movie store.

As we drove I couldn't help but let my mind wonder to everything that Sweets and I talked about. No one was supposed to know what we talked about, but I was thinking about telling Jack.

"Zach," Jack said shaking me slightly.

"What?" I asked looking at him.

"What movie do you want to watch?" he asked giving me a confused look.

"How about we watch the Number 23?" I asked smiling fakely.

"Only if you are actually happy," he said shaking his head, "I can tell that smile is fake a mile away."

"Am I that transparent?" I asked grimacing.

"Nope," he said smirking, "I love you, so I've learned what your faces mean."

"Wow," I said my eyes wide, "I'm guessing that's helped you a lot."

"It has," he said as we got out of the car, "That's how I know when you lie to me."

"I would never lie to you," I said in mock horror.

"But you've lied to me before," he said taking my hand in his.

"When did I lie to you?" I asked confused.

"Like when you said you liked that shirt Brennan got me for Christmas," he said laughing.

"That doesn't count," I said rolling my eyes.

"And why not?" he asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Because I told you I liked it in front of her," I said laughing.

"Oh ya," he said laughing with me, "Now that I've made you smile. Let's go get that movie."

"After you Master," I said jokingly.

"Why are you calling me Master?" he asked tugging me closer to him.

"Just joking Love," I said winking.

"Okay," he said grabbing the movie, "Is there anything else you want to get?"

"How about we get RENT too?" I asked hopefully.

"What ever you want," he said walking to get RENT too.

"Yay," I said hugging him, "You want to know something?"

"Sure," he said as we walked up front.

"I love RENT," I said softly, "I saw it on Broadway once."

"That sounds amazing," he said his eyes wide, "How did you get the money?"

"I don't want to talk about that," I said looking away.

"Okay," he said placing the movies on the counter, "You don't have to if you don't want to."

"Thanks," I said biting my lip, "I'll tell you, just not here."

"Only if you want to," he said calmly.

"Umm…" I said grabbing the bag from the cashier, "Jack, can I tell you something?"

"Sure," he said as we got to the car, "You can tell me."

"I love you," I said blushing and kissing him lightly.

"I love you too," he said grinning, "Let's go home and watch the movies."


	4. Chapter 4

As we got in the car I rested my head on Jack's shoulder and let my eyes close. I allowed myself to fall into a light sleep. I knew what was going on, but I didn't know how to react.

Jack leaned over me and kissed my forehead softly. A small smile appeared on my face when I felt his lips brush against my skin. He pulled into the driveway and got out of the car and picked me up.

"I can walk Jack," I said sleepily.

"I know," he said softly, "But sometimes I like to think that you need me."

"I will always need you," I said yawning softly, "You're the only thing keeping me here."

"What do you mean by that?" he asked as my eyes closed.

When my eyes closed I fell into a deep sleep so I didn't answer him. Once again I started to dream about my past. I could feel the hands touching me and I could hear what the men were saying to me.

I opened my eyes and saw Jack lying next to me, fast asleep. Biting my lip roughly I leaned down and kissed him. He started to kiss me back before pulling away from me and opening his eyes.

"What are you doing Zach?" he asked turning the light on.

"Kissing you," I said like it was obvious.

"You woke up just to kiss me?" he asked sitting up.

"No," I said shaking my head, "I kept dreaming about…"

"About what, Love?" he asked carding a hand through my hair.

"I can still feel them," I said looking away, "I can still hear everything they told me."

"Who are you talking about?" he asked confused.

"The men that I've had sex with," I said in a whisper.

"I'm sorry," he said trying to hug me.

"Please," I said climbing on his torso, "Please let me do this."

"No," he said pushing me slightly, "Not yet."

"Jack," I said pouting, "Please, I can make you feel good."

"Zach," he said sighing, "I'm sorry."

"Please," I said pushing against him.

"No," he said pushing me all the way off him and standing up, "Zach, I'm going to call Sweets and see if he can come over."

"Why do you want to do that?" I asked confused.

"Because you need to talk to him," he said grabbing the phone, "He can help you in ways I can't."

I leaned back on the bed and sighed. The stupid dream made me want to do that. Even though I couldn't understand what's going on, I knew that it was getting to the point where I couldn't get them out of my head.

I could hear Jack on the phone explaining the situation to Sweets. My whole body was shaking slightly when I heard him ask if Sweets could come here. Jack nodded his head and hung the phone up.

"He'll be here in a few minutes," Jack said smiling at me.

"He doesn't need to come here," I said glaring at the wall.

"I know you don't think so Zach," he said sighing, "But this is something that he needs to hear."

"Then I can tell him when I talk to him tomorrow," I said rolling my eyes.

"It's too late," he said as the bell rang, "He's here."


	5. Chapter 5

A sigh slipped through my lips when Jack opened the front door. Sweets walked in calmly before giving Jack a confused look. Jack simply shook his head and directed him into the living room.

"I know you and Zach have an appointment tomorrow, but you two need to talk now," Jack said before leaving the room.

"Okay," Sweets said sitting down, "Tell me what happened Zach."

"I don't want to talk about it," I said turning away from him.

"Zach," he said standing up, "I know you don't want to talk about it, but you need to talk about it if you ever want to get past it."

"I can feel them," I said in a whisper, "I can feel them touching me. I can hear them call me ugly, fat, stupid, a slut, and things like that. They said I was only good for a good fuck."

"Do you believe that what they said is true?" he asked guiding me to the couch.

"I know it is," I said sighing, "It has to be."

"Why does it have to be true?" he asked confused.

"Why else would Jack not want to be with me?" I asked tears running down my face.

"Tell me what you think the answer to your question is," he said leaning back.

"Because I'm too broken," I said standing up, "Because I'm stupid. Because I'm too fucked up in the head; because I'm not pure anymore!"

"Zach," Jack said from the door way.

"No," I said shaking my head, "Don't."

"Don't what?" he asked walking to me slowly.

"I don't want to hear that you love me," I said shaking my head, "I know its all bullshit!"

"How do you know that?" he yelled tears forming in his eyes, "How the hell do you know what I feel?!?"

"You feel sorry for me," I said walking to him, "You want to help fix me, but, news flash, I can't be fixed!"

"You haven't tried," he said desperately, "You simply need to try."

"What if I don't want to be fixed?" I said glaring at him, "Have you ever thought that I'm happy the way I am?"

"How can you be happy hurting yourself?" he asked shaking his head.

"Because it makes me feel like I'm alive!" I yelled throwing my arms up, "There are two things that makes me feel like I'm alive, hurting myself and when I kiss you."

"What?" he asked his eyes wide.

"I don't feel numb around you," I said biting my lip, "I feel like I have something to live for."

"Zach," he said pulling me close to him.

"Fuck," I said tears falling from my eyes, "Please don't leave me. I love you."

"Shh," he said rubbing my back, "I love you too. I'm not going anywhere."

"Zach," Sweets said standing next to us, "You need to focus on the feelings that Jack gives you. That is what will help you. You need to be able to lean on Jack."

"I'm afraid," I said sadly.

"What are you afraid of?" Sweets asked softly.

"I'm afraid that you won't love me anymore," I said to Jack.

"I will never leave you," Jack said smiling, "I love you too much.

"Thank you." I said kissing him shyly, "Thank you for loving me."

"Go to sleep," he said moving me so he was holding me, "Go to sleep."

When I woke up the next morning Jack and I were in his bed sleeping. My head was resting on his chest and I could feel his heart beat. Smiling softly I took a deep breath and realized that I felt safe and that I hadn't had any nightmares last night.

"Zach," Jack said starting up at me.

"Hi," I said smiling.

"How did you sleep?" he asked pulling me closer to him.

"Great," I said sighing contently.

"I love you," he said kissing me.

"I love you too," I said smiling.

"So, do you want to eat something?" he asked hopefully.

"Hell ya," I said laughing, "I feel like I'm starving."

"Than let's go," he said standing up.

"Jack," I said making him look at me, "Thank you for giving me something I thought I lost."

"I'll always be here for you," he said smiling, "Now let's go get food."


End file.
